Letter to Sabby #2

I just want to know everything about you.

What you did. Who were you with. What has changed with you. What did you do to get over me.How''s you daily diet. How's your daily routine. How did you get up in the morning and how do you get to sleep.

I'm obessing over everything and I feel like I'm dying if I don't try to find out.

I'm crazy. I'm the problem. You did nothing wrong.

I'm sorry for obsessing over you like this. I'm so fucked up I wanna die.

But under all these batsht crazy stuff I know I truly love you. I just need to manage my emotions better. Manage my obsession better. Express it in a healthy way. Which is why I'm writing on a blog you'l never read. Because that way I won't overwhelm you. That way I won't go crazy everytime you brushed me off.

Who's bakri? You said you dont have a boyfriend but your socmed shows that you were obviously hoking up with him. Why are you lying to me again? Why do you keep lying to me?

Why must you stoke my paranoia to 100% everytime.

I'm sorry it's not you. I'm the crazy one for obsessing in knowing oeverything. I must obtain all information so I feel in control over my life. And now I'm looking to seek control over you too. I'm crazy. I know that. Fuck me. Why can't I just be a healthy guy that goes through his day like a normal person. Why must i create conflict and fear everywhere I go. And why do I enjoy it so much.

Why do I enjoy torturing myself like an idiot.

The reason is simple. I fucking crazy. I need to seek help.

Letters to Sabby #1

Dear Sabrina,

I'm sorry that I bothered you. I'm sorry that I came back into your life begging you to take me back.

I'm sorry I have been a nuisance that is interrupting your life that's going on fine without me.

I'm sorry for the things I've done to you.

I have no excuses. I was an asshole that doesn't realize how good he had it.

I have loved you all this time.
Every time I meet a woman. Every time I talked and touched another woman. I compare them to you. Every time I saw a glimpse of happiness. I was surprised that I'm not happy. Because that happiness doesn't include you in my life.

You say I'm hung up over the past. But I'm not. I'm hung up over the future we could have together. I just want to see your face and your smile again. I want to talk to you until it's late at night and we fell asleep. I want to make love to you. Because the only time I didn't regret making love is when I did it with you. I want to have a baby with you. I want to have fun and be fulfilled. And that's impossible without you.

My friends won't shut up about how i won't shut up for two years about you. About how I'm still on love with you. About how the dates we went on. About the way you laugh. The way you talk. The way I am dead inside because I can't see ever you again. Because of my mistakes.

You are my only sunshine in this world. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. You are the reason I'm still living.

Please love me again. Please.

To do list:

1. Get help for my mental condition.
2. Find a job in JB.
3. Save enough money for me to get to JB and also pay for my commitments.
4. Get Sabby back.

2:31 AM, 11/8/2020, - I am in terrible, terrible pain.

Hello everyone.

It's been two years since I last wrote on this blog.

I'm unhappy. I have finally finished my diploma but I got extended for one semester. So I finished on January 2020. Funny that I planned to get engaged on 2020. Which is impossible to achieve now.

I also found a place where I can have an illusion of power through anonimity and clever manipulation.

I got a girlfriend after a series of getting ghosted by series of girls I fucked. I must be really bad in bed. This was on the end of October 2019.

But after almost a year together I decided to mutally break u with her. Because I realized that I stil have hung ups over Sabby. I still love her. I still want her. I still want to be with her/ I still want a future with her.

But she rejected me. It seems I was right. People do move on. People get better. Their feeling change over time as they rationalize and justify things that have happened. They move on. They focus on the present. And they keep moving forward.

Unlike me. I ruminate and obsess over every things I did. Wondering where I can change and become a better person. But thing won't be the same after that. I have lost the chance to be the better person toward that person.

And that's what happened with Sabby. I've lost my window of opportunity. The expiry date is long past due now.

I just miss her. The cuddly little teddy bear I wanted to cuddle every night. The small, sexy piece of ass that I will compare to everyone else I met after.

I don't just miss her. I need her. I need her to live.

I'm seriously considering suicide. But I can't tell this to anyone because they'll just tell me it's not worth it. That I'm being stupid. That my pain will end.

Well. It hasn't ended. I'm still in deep deep pain. And all I think that maybe the end of the tunnel isn't when I change. Maybe it's when I finally die.I had actually planned my eventual suicide. It's set 58 year from now.

I talk about that more later.
 btw I got a job in an Econsave at Bukit Gambir. At first I was a receiving store clerk but now I'm just a fresh department staff. Cutting meat for a lving. And packing fruits.And I'm okay with that. It's just that I want to go meet Sabby. But my days off are rare.

I'm planning to get a job in JB and try to reconnect with her. My words alone won't be enough. I have to rpove my earnest intentions through actions.

And that's all from me folks. I inform you guys later if I succeed or not.

Journal 3/12/2018

Hello,

I've left this blog for a really long time now. I was in a really dark place. I found love in Sabby but I failed my that love. It was out of self-hate and unrealistic expectations of myself. I am unsuitable for a commitment. Not yet at least.

I have failed my MBBCh in University of Tanta as of 2016. Which is roughly 2 years ago. However I am fortunate enough to continue my studies in UiTM Tapah in Diploma of Science.

My first semester was high functioning with me able to score my papers. And then there's a 5 month long leave so I started working as a sales assistant in a mall near my home. The work there was enlightening and disheartening at best. I find alot of people with despicable and dissappointing traits. It was hell.

My relationship with Sabby was tumultuous at best, with me gatting angry at her almost for every weekend. I tried to go to JB as much as I can but I am just a student with no income.

And then My second semester started, at the moment I was losing control of my life. Much like when I was in Egypt. Thank god I still passed although not with flying colours. However, this is the start of the decline of my relationship with Sabby. I started growing weary of a monogamous relationship and cornered Sabby into allowing me to CHEAT on her.

And here, I met a lot of women but only one is worthy of mention, Sharifah Alia. I started bonding with her because I enjoyed the pain and struggles she shared with me. However I realized later at a time she never cared about me. All that she cared was about herself. Or more specifically, how I make her feel.

Then I started getting overwhelmed by the numerous commitments I had and I started to destroy the relationships around. I started with a messy breakup with Sabby, and after that I distanced myself with Sha which eventually led her to asking for a breakup. To which I; with relief, agreed.

My feeling for them and regrets for failing the relationship still lingers until today. However I must press on and realize it was meant to crash and burn. I was not the only problem in the relationship. They had a fair share of fault which I hoped they reflected on.

My family and parents are still the same as usual. They dissappoint me and I dissappoint them.

I realized my mother is coping better now that her children are all no adults. I realized my father is getting entrenched in the hole he dug himself in and are starting to be more callous with our side of the family. He had more children with my step-mother, probably a new source of focus and stress for him. Serves him right.

All of this happened over the course of my semester 2 and semester 3 which marks the end of mid-2018.

Now I am in semester 4 and finally realized I have to have courage to seek help lest I destroyed myself.

I am diagnosed with Bipolar Personality Disorder Type 1.

I am enjoying my life right now however the future still seems bleak.

I am more sexually active now and are engaging women on social media more efficiently

Just last week I spent RM400 on a weekend date which I do not regret going however I am now in dire financial situation. This is not the first time I burned my money for sexual escapades.

I hope to seek extra income by doing side businesses and learning how to trade forex. I have blown my account 5 times and burned more than RM550 money in forex.

I should hold back and learn more before I engage in more riskier trades. I should also grow my capital so that I have more margin to hold my position.

But as I am busy with other stuff to fill in my empty life. My primary focus should be my studies which is in shambles right now. I am still brilliant and confident in learning but I am less focused. I should focus more on my studies.

And finally, my relatiionship with God now is at it's lowest. I no longer doubt, I just stopped thinking about it.

But when in tru solitude, my thought drifted back to a time where my soul was filled to the brim with the love of GOD. I hope one day I find that courage to face the love I left a looong time ago.

And that sentiment ends my journal for now. I look forward to updating my thought here again soon.

Kepada Tuhan

Allah.

Maafkan aku.
Aku lemah. Aku lupa.

Hati aku. Tak aku jaga dengan sempurna.

Berkali-kali suara kecil dalam hati. Menyuruh kembali.
Tapi aku abaikan.Seronok mendengar ilusi nafsu sendiri.

Allah.

Maafkan aku.
Aku lupa.

Aku nampak jalannya.Tapi aku masih teragak-agak melangkah.
Kerana aku takut jatuh.

Allah.

Maafkan aku.
Aku bangga.

Aku perasan akal aku boleh menyelesaikan segalanya.

Under Pressure.

Assalamualaikum,

Saya sebenarnya dalam keadaan yang sangat ditekan sekarang kerana saya terperangkap dalam satu komitmen yang saya tak yakin saya mampu tangani.

Kemudian saya hanya mempunyai peluang terakhir melulusi tahun ! yang saya tersekat selama 3 tahun sepanjanjang di Mesir.

Saya hanyalah manusia biasa yang tak punya apa-apa. Saya hanya ada keyakinan terhadap Tuhanyang akan membantu saya setelah saya berusaha sebaik-boleh.

Tetapi saya tak lagi berusaha sebaik boleh. Masa seperti tak mengizinkan kerana saya tak menghargai masa sepenuhnya.

Tuhan,bantulah aku terus yakin dengan bantuan Kau. Aku rasa lemah dan tak bermaya dengan tekanan dari pelbagai pihak.

Aku tahu, aku ini hebat dan bijaksana orangnya. Tetapi tanpa izin Kau aku hanyalah sekeping hamba yang terus terbang hanyut dalam ilusi sendiri.

Aku perlu sedar dari ilusi yang ujian itu masih lagi jauh. Ilusi yang aku masih selamat dari kemurkaan Kau. Dari ujian kau.

Semua ini, semua kesusahan ini adalah dari kelemahan aku sendiri. Dari keangkuhan aku.

Aku banyak belajar. Dan aku akan terus belajar.

Sunyi

Aku terasa aku kosong tanpa belaian manusia.

Bukan belaian fizikal, belaian emosi. Aku inginkan manusia yang mendengar. Manusia yang memujuk. Manusia yang menangis untuk aku. Manusia yang ketawa mendengar lawak aku.

Ini dinamakan desperate.

Ada suara dalam diri berkata. Yang diperlukan sekarang sebenarnya kembali kepada fitrah hidup ber-Tuhan. Sesungguhnya akan kau lupakan kesunyian yang bersarang.

Ibu bapa yang dahulunya tempat bermanja kini tempat aku melampiaskan kekecewaan. Adik-adik yang dulu aku sayang kini semua merangkak dewasa meninggalkan aku.

Di mana mahu aku mencari teman yang baharu.Aku pun tidak tahu

Mungkin benarlah suara yang berdering. Hidup tanpa Tuhan ini hidup yang kosong sekosongnya. Aku hanya hidup kerana aku hidup. Tiada tujuan mahupun daya penolak yang menggerak. Ini menyedihkan.

God I need a girl.