Hello,
I've left this blog for a really long time now. I was in a really dark place. I found love in Sabby but I failed my that love. It was out of self-hate and unrealistic expectations of myself. I am unsuitable for a commitment. Not yet at least.
I have failed my MBBCh in University of Tanta as of 2016. Which is roughly 2 years ago. However I am fortunate enough to continue my studies in UiTM Tapah in Diploma of Science.
My first semester was high functioning with me able to score my papers. And then there's a 5 month long leave so I started working as a sales assistant in a mall near my home. The work there was enlightening and disheartening at best. I find alot of people with despicable and dissappointing traits. It was hell.
My relationship with Sabby was tumultuous at best, with me gatting angry at her almost for every weekend. I tried to go to JB as much as I can but I am just a student with no income.
And then My second semester started, at the moment I was losing control of my life. Much like when I was in Egypt. Thank god I still passed although not with flying colours. However, this is the start of the decline of my relationship with Sabby. I started growing weary of a monogamous relationship and cornered Sabby into allowing me to CHEAT on her.
And here, I met a lot of women but only one is worthy of mention, Sharifah Alia. I started bonding with her because I enjoyed the pain and struggles she shared with me. However I realized later at a time she never cared about me. All that she cared was about herself. Or more specifically, how I make her feel.
Then I started getting overwhelmed by the numerous commitments I had and I started to destroy the relationships around. I started with a messy breakup with Sabby, and after that I distanced myself with Sha which eventually led her to asking for a breakup. To which I; with relief, agreed.
My feeling for them and regrets for failing the relationship still lingers until today. However I must press on and realize it was meant to crash and burn. I was not the only problem in the relationship. They had a fair share of fault which I hoped they reflected on.
My family and parents are still the same as usual. They dissappoint me and I dissappoint them.
I realized my mother is coping better now that her children are all no adults. I realized my father is getting entrenched in the hole he dug himself in and are starting to be more callous with our side of the family. He had more children with my step-mother, probably a new source of focus and stress for him. Serves him right.
All of this happened over the course of my semester 2 and semester 3 which marks the end of mid-2018.
Now I am in semester 4 and finally realized I have to have courage to seek help lest I destroyed myself.
I am diagnosed with Bipolar Personality Disorder Type 1.
I am enjoying my life right now however the future still seems bleak.
I am more sexually active now and are engaging women on social media more efficiently
Just last week I spent RM400 on a weekend date which I do not regret going however I am now in dire financial situation. This is not the first time I burned my money for sexual escapades.
I hope to seek extra income by doing side businesses and learning how to trade forex. I have blown my account 5 times and burned more than RM550 money in forex.
I should hold back and learn more before I engage in more riskier trades. I should also grow my capital so that I have more margin to hold my position.
But as I am busy with other stuff to fill in my empty life. My primary focus should be my studies which is in shambles right now. I am still brilliant and confident in learning but I am less focused. I should focus more on my studies.
And finally, my relatiionship with God now is at it's lowest. I no longer doubt, I just stopped thinking about it.
But when in tru solitude, my thought drifted back to a time where my soul was filled to the brim with the love of GOD. I hope one day I find that courage to face the love I left a looong time ago.
And that sentiment ends my journal for now. I look forward to updating my thought here again soon.
I've left this blog for a really long time now. I was in a really dark place. I found love in Sabby but I failed my that love. It was out of self-hate and unrealistic expectations of myself. I am unsuitable for a commitment. Not yet at least.
I have failed my MBBCh in University of Tanta as of 2016. Which is roughly 2 years ago. However I am fortunate enough to continue my studies in UiTM Tapah in Diploma of Science.
My first semester was high functioning with me able to score my papers. And then there's a 5 month long leave so I started working as a sales assistant in a mall near my home. The work there was enlightening and disheartening at best. I find alot of people with despicable and dissappointing traits. It was hell.
My relationship with Sabby was tumultuous at best, with me gatting angry at her almost for every weekend. I tried to go to JB as much as I can but I am just a student with no income.
And then My second semester started, at the moment I was losing control of my life. Much like when I was in Egypt. Thank god I still passed although not with flying colours. However, this is the start of the decline of my relationship with Sabby. I started growing weary of a monogamous relationship and cornered Sabby into allowing me to CHEAT on her.
And here, I met a lot of women but only one is worthy of mention, Sharifah Alia. I started bonding with her because I enjoyed the pain and struggles she shared with me. However I realized later at a time she never cared about me. All that she cared was about herself. Or more specifically, how I make her feel.
Then I started getting overwhelmed by the numerous commitments I had and I started to destroy the relationships around. I started with a messy breakup with Sabby, and after that I distanced myself with Sha which eventually led her to asking for a breakup. To which I; with relief, agreed.
My feeling for them and regrets for failing the relationship still lingers until today. However I must press on and realize it was meant to crash and burn. I was not the only problem in the relationship. They had a fair share of fault which I hoped they reflected on.
My family and parents are still the same as usual. They dissappoint me and I dissappoint them.
I realized my mother is coping better now that her children are all no adults. I realized my father is getting entrenched in the hole he dug himself in and are starting to be more callous with our side of the family. He had more children with my step-mother, probably a new source of focus and stress for him. Serves him right.
All of this happened over the course of my semester 2 and semester 3 which marks the end of mid-2018.
Now I am in semester 4 and finally realized I have to have courage to seek help lest I destroyed myself.
I am diagnosed with Bipolar Personality Disorder Type 1.
I am enjoying my life right now however the future still seems bleak.
I am more sexually active now and are engaging women on social media more efficiently
Just last week I spent RM400 on a weekend date which I do not regret going however I am now in dire financial situation. This is not the first time I burned my money for sexual escapades.
I hope to seek extra income by doing side businesses and learning how to trade forex. I have blown my account 5 times and burned more than RM550 money in forex.
I should hold back and learn more before I engage in more riskier trades. I should also grow my capital so that I have more margin to hold my position.
But as I am busy with other stuff to fill in my empty life. My primary focus should be my studies which is in shambles right now. I am still brilliant and confident in learning but I am less focused. I should focus more on my studies.
And finally, my relatiionship with God now is at it's lowest. I no longer doubt, I just stopped thinking about it.
But when in tru solitude, my thought drifted back to a time where my soul was filled to the brim with the love of GOD. I hope one day I find that courage to face the love I left a looong time ago.
And that sentiment ends my journal for now. I look forward to updating my thought here again soon.
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