Feelings,The Future and Marriage.

Assalamualakum non-existent readers.

It has been a while  since I updated this blog.Truth be told that I have a lot of posts in my draft but I am in no mood to publish all of them at once.So here is the update for January.I'll post another entry on February

The Feelings

Lately,I found myself to be a squishy,weak and emotional shemale.

I seem to have problems sorting out my feelings.I don't know why but I just can't control my feelings right now.

In the past,I would avoid to form relationships with humans.I regard them as untrustwothy,fake and selfish creatures.I would only find myself bonding with humans that carry an importance to me.

But now I found myself getting too attached to some humans around me.And as always,I would get hurt.I am not sure why but maybe because of my behaviour I can't form long-lasting relationship with other individuals.

Without realizing it,I have fallen for a girl.And this seems to break my heart.I would not like be involved in a relationship during matriculation but my feelings towards this girl seems to be too strong.And what makes this more tragic,is that she is already in a relationship.

My wiser "self" told me to let go.I have a future ahead of me.But I just can't let that feeling go away.The irrational side always wins.The pain doesn't seem much.But whenever I see her face,it hurts.

But this incident is just the tip of the iceberg.Thinking about her just makes me realize that I have much more pressing matters at hand.

Two years ago,I have promised myself that I would be a better man.

But today,I am just a lonely and irrational kid in the body of an adult.I would sometime cry alone in bed.Thinking that if anyone ever cared about me.

What is worse,I'm forgeting God.

A wise friend once told me:

Your feelings aren't the problem,but how you handle the feelings are.

The Future  

In response to the turmoil in my heart I mentioned earlier,I have revised my plans for the future.

I imagined my future would be something great.

I would find the cure to cancer.
Maybe I would lead a revolution.
Or became the Minister of Education.
Became a great writer perhaps.

But I suddenly realized these dreams are empty and meaningless.I only chase these dream to achieve the admiration and adornment of another individual.

I looked deep into myself,and I think I would just want to live a simple life.Maybe a nice job that does good to others.Religious works preferably.
Maybe own an average house on the outskirts of town.Living a quiet life,but not lonely.

Although I would like to live a simple lifestyle,I intend to do a great deed to mankind.And only hope in God to repay me.No need for grandeur.

Marriage

This issue might be to soon for me but I just can't stop thinking about it.I am aware that I am a mess.That's why I have to get my life in order.

I just want somebody live with.
Wake up in the morning seeing her face.
Getting back from work and hearing her babble about her day.
Actually trying to understand a human beside myself.

Having someone to understand me.
Knowing that there will be someone to back me up
Making sure that I am in order.To help me clean the mess I made in life..

Many of my friends wishes to enjoy their youth before starting a family.But starting a family is that all I can think of.I don't really have a candidate yet but I will one day :)

I might not get married as soon as I hoped to because I need to get my life in order before taking someone else into it.

That is all folks.

Summary:
A girl is breaking my heart right now.I want simple simple life but greatly affect the life of others.And I would like to stabilise my life as soon as possible.And get married x)