Fatihah Syuhadah

To my dear,

Radin Fatihah Syuhadah binti Radin Zainal Abidin.

I think I shall just write it here. Where mostly nobody reads it.

Firstly,

I love you. I really do.  I can't show you how much. I can't explain why I can't. I can't show my love through words.

I can't say I love you. But..

Once, I got so worried when I knew you got locked out of college. Is this not love?

I say I trust you. But I still get mad when you hide secrets from me.  Is this not love?

I get jealous of your "brother". But I can't get mad. Because I respect you. Is this not love?

I wonder.

But past is past.

I am sorry for ignoring you during those 5 months. It's not what I meant to do. I am looking for something. Something that I probably never could find. I thought that we have six more years apart. And perhaps many more after that. I don't want you to get too attached to me. A simple human. Who might die. Who might change heart. Who might go insane.

I told you I am schizotypal before and I am not kidding. The symptoms are as clear as daylight. I have problems understanding normal people. And most normal people don't even try to understand me.

Forgive me for I am unable to understand you too. You on the other hand should have just told what you wanted from me.

Now, if you are happier without me. I understand. I  will not bother you ever again.

Just sadly, deep in this sinful heart I wish you would open your heart back to me.

If you miss me or changed your mind. I'll be here for a long while.

If the whole world seems to go against you. Or you just need a friend to talk to. Just pick my number and say hi. In the case that I'm still alive when you read this.

Because if you're happy. So am I.